


I'm not alone in the night / When I can have all the love you write

by Rat_King01



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: I'm coping I swear, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, featuring: the author's awful poetry, haha character death doesn't exist in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:47:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28106538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rat_King01/pseuds/Rat_King01
Summary: An impulsive fic worked up from the tumblr poetry challenge by call-me-nuwanda.Todd keeps finding slips of Neil's poetry. Well, more like snoops for it, completely addicted.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	I'm not alone in the night / When I can have all the love you write

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Love Letters by Elvis  
> Prompt: 7 & 12: Neil @ Todd, Ballad

\-----

_You sit me in audience high_

_Reaching o’er all Shakespeare_

_Begone pressure and guilt bid nigh!_

_Bewitched, I am, my dear._

\-----

Todd mentally berates himself for his foolish choice. It was innocent, a crumpled slip of paper left wandering in their shared room. Sure, it was a lot closer to Neil’s side, but their time together had been cozier than he ever expected. It was okay to be curious, right? The discovery of discarded poetry was somewhat expected given Neil’s fondness for Keating’s teachings and the Society. Whatever this was fell from that scope. 

Reading the four lines over and over, Todd tried to keep his hands from shaking. He was hyper-aware that at any moment Neil could be back. Todd felt almost indecent prying into his roommate’s thoughts. But the allure of unraveling what these few words could possibly mean was too attractive to deny. The same question rattled Todd’s brain for what felt like hours. _Who?_ Who could this possibly be for? 

Finally, the answer felt like a punch in the gut. Ginny, it had to be her. It was obvious, the nod to Shakespeare, the audience opposed to being on stage. The thought was all too overwhelming, and before Todd could process this revelation, the door flung open. Overexcited, as Neil always was after play practice (and apparently seeing Ginny, his brain not-so-helpfully provided), he busied himself with throwing his coat and other essentials in his closet. Clamping down on the wadded slip of burning text, Todd let out an indignant squeak as he thrusted the damning evidence under his pillow. 

Neil paused in his ritual, quirking an eyebrow in his roommate’s direction, “What’s got your feathers ruffled tonight, Todd? You’re usually working on your Chemistry by now.”

“Huh? Oh, you just caught me taking a, uh, break, that’s all,” Todd, trying to seem like his statement could be at all the truth, hastily knocked open his textbook and sat back down at his desk. Neil gave him another somewhat suspicious look before smiling brightly and delving into his usual rundown of that night’s practice. It was still early on in the production, but Neil was completely enamoured with the Bard’s words. 

In an effort to look as inconspicuous as possible with the flames he could feel in his cheeks, Todd chewed on his inner lip with thoughtful consideration. It was clear Neil cared more than he completely let on, Todd hung onto every word and could still feel him holding back. Neil was important to him, and if he felt strongly enough about Ginny to write poetry, then he’d just have to support him. There was a strange twist in his gut at the thought, a numb wrongness, but Todd pushed the feeling down. He had to do what was best for his friendship with Neil. 

“And the music, oh I can’t wait to see it all come together on opening night . . . Todd, you aren’t listening to me, are you?” From anyone else it would sound callous or wounded, but Neil waved a hand in front of him with a grin, “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“What do you think of your fellow actors, uh, do you like working with them?” 

Another strange look devolving into a bright smile was shot Todd’s way as Neil finally dropped to his bed with a wobbling bounce, “Well, I met Ginny, she’s the Danburry girl. I think she goes to Henley Hall.”

Figuring the excitement and smile was all for the thought of her, Todd carries on, “Oh, maybe I should, uhm or could, meet her sometime?”

Neil looks a bit crestfallen, looking upset at the idea of Todd meeting this girl he obviously has eyes for. Todd backpedals the conversation as quickly as possible, “Well, I should probably get back to my work,”

Nodding in sullen agreement, Neil gets back up and grabs his things for the showers and leaves, shutting the door gently. Todd sighs, staring in frustration at the fuzzy and jumbled notes spilled across his desk. Ignoring the growing pit of despair seeping within his stomach, he reaches over to his bed, thumbing across the worn creases of the blistering paper slip before snatching it from its hiding spot and dropping off the offending note back at its home. 

\-----

_We are opposed, alone yet not_

_I am content looking_

_Watching your waves crash upon me_

_Cloak across my clinging_

_Body none assume can quiet carefree_

_But for your performance bring._

\-----

Though it had been a couple days, Todd was still recovering from his stunt in Keating’s class. At first the laughter rang in his ears, but it was wiped away, like everything else always was, with Neil’s gaze. Those eyes on him felt like the world suddenly stopped spinning on its axis. A similar breathlessness fell over him now with the sight of the familiar self-sabotage. Todd wanted so badly to ignore the sight of another paper, he thought for sure after the disappearance of the original stanza that there would be nothing else. Everything had continued on its normal course, but then there was more. The internal battle over morality was embarrassingly short as Todd’s need to know what Neil had written overtook him. 

It made him physically sick to see how much Neil adored her. Todd couldn’t pinpoint it, but the despair lodged in his throat was terrifying. Could he really handle losing his best friend to a relationship, and why did this feel like the end? He should be happy if Neil was happy; but that’s not what these lines read as. It was obvious Neil was writing about something he couldn’t have. This was ridiculous, Todd knew Neil could get anything, or anyone, if he wanted to. He was the kind of guy people clung to, and really listened to. He was sure Ginny was already fawning all over Neil. 

“Whatcha reading there, Todd?” Jumping out of his skin, Todd whirled around to face Charlie Dalton, paper clutched tightly in his grasp. 

In all of his mulling, Todd hadn’t heard the creaking of the door as Charlie let himself into the room. Oozing his usual charisma, he draped himself against the frame and eyed Todd critically before repeating the question. As Todd attempted to sputter out a response, Charlie’s gaze softened before letting himself further into the room. Before any aborted explanations can stick, he leans over Todd and quickly assesses the contents of the paper, 

“Whew, is that an original there, Walt Whitman?” Charlie holds eye contact with him for just a second, before backing up a bit more apologetically as Todd mumbles out, “no, Neil’s”. 

Realization seems to light up on Charlie’s face, like he knows something Todd doesn’t. It pushes the pit in his stomach further, Neil probably shared his feelings about Ginny with Dalton rather than him. It hurt. Maybe Neil didn’t care for him as much as he thought. 

Before Todd could go down a rabbithole of increasingly upsetting and self-degrading thoughts, he was startled by a hand landing on his shoulder, 

“Hey man, why’s this bothering you so much? If Neil wanted you to read what he wrote, there’s gotta be a reason why.” Todd felt shame crawling up his neck. He couldn’t admit to Charlie that he was spying around his friend’s belongings, it was mortifying. With a pat on the shoulder, Dalton left him with promises of saving him a spot at dinner. 

Sitting on his bed, Todd peered down at the treacherous poetry for what felt like the thousandth time. Charlie’s words echoed in his mind. Why did he care so much? He should feel happy, Neil meant everything to him. Todd _wanted_ Neil to be happy. But it was nagging in his mind, like he knew Ginny wouldn’t make his friend content. The more he mulled over the flowing script, the more Todd wanted to see it performed. Neil was always at his best performing, speaking his words into existence. Todd wanted to receive Neil’s poetry, have it directed at him. He wanted it to be for him. _Oh_. Oh no. 

\-----

_Like a blanket cover o’er me with zeal_

_You lead my yearning on thick_

_O’er flowing fistfulls, flowers who won’t keel!_

_My hands sit bound, homesick_

\-----

This new edition was different. After excusing himself from study hall with a flimsy excuse, Todd had expected to catch up on some much needed rest away from others. A flush washed over Todd upon finding the neat, clean slip of paper left on Neil’s desk with a small bundle of wildflowers. It hits him harder when Todd realizes the stanzas sting together the beginnings of a ballad. The shame is still pressing around him, like he’s violently pushing into Neil’s life. With Todd’s newly found realization, it feels wrong. He knows he’s self-indulging, desperately clinging to something far away and off limits. If Neil knew, he’d surely hate him. 

Todd runs a finger across the flowers, a bittersweet smile stretching his face. They were rather lovely, Ginny would surely take them gratefully. He watches in agony as a defiant tear falls, smearing a couple letters into a blotchy mess. Before his mind catches up, Todd wipes the wetness away, ruining half of the once crisp page. His need to sabotage had reached an all time high. Part of his mind gleefully embraced the thought that Ginny would never get to know what Neil wrote like he did. But that idea was quickly overcome by the dawning reality that there was no hiding his peaking into Neil’s privacy. Todd would surely be caught now. 

Wracking his brain for possibilities, Todd almost misses the sound of the knob turning. Neil had said in passing that the play had an extra practice tonight to get ready for the impending show date, but this was way too early. In a scurry to hide evidence (like the coward he knew he was), Todd snatched up the blurry page, trying to cherish the feel of the delicate flowers in his palm without squishing them. Both seemed confused to see one another when the door swung open. Neil clutched his own full sheet, nearly dropping it at the sight of Todd, 

“Oh, hey, I thought you were with everyone else,” For once, Neil seems unsure of himself, rubbing the back of his neck, shielding his own paper close to him. 

It’s unnerving, and Todd feels a bit crushed that Neil would be uncomfortable with him, “I, uh, thought you had practice?” 

Neil fidgets in place before shutting the door behind himself. Todd tries not to panic, and mentally prepares himself for the possibility that Neil knows. He had to have been obvious, there’s no way he doesn’t know. Todd accepts the grim reality: it’s not the possibility of a relationship being snuffed out that kills him, it’s the thought of losing Neil completely. 

“I just needed to collect my thoughts for you, I hated lying to you.” Ouch, that one feels targeted. Todd feels his grip loosen too late, damning evidence flipping out of his hands and spilling onto the floor. He falls to his knees, limbs shaky as he attempts to collect everything, 

“N-Neil, I swear I didn’t mean to pry or anything. Please don’t hate m-me, I couldn’t bear it,” Todd feels the words tumble from his lips, unable to stop the stream of pleas to his friend. Neil’s looking at him with a dawning realization, mouth agape, and Todd winces, waiting for the onslaught, the mockery. 

Joining him on the floor, Neil grabs Todd’s shaking hands, thrusting his own paper into them, “Todd, I could never hate you. Far from it, you mean more to me than I think you know,” Before Todd can force anything out, Neil catches his downcast eyes with a hand on his chin, “I know this is a dangerous game. I thought I could be stealthy about it and try to tell you in little ways, but I’ve gotta go for it,”

There’s a fervent whisper of _carpe diem_ before Neil presses forward, barely catching Todd’s lips with his own. It’s chaste, and fleeting, but the feeling sends sparks throughout Todd’s body. The brief kiss is over before it feels like it starts, it rewires Todd’s brain into blurting out his first thought, 

“But, but what about Ginny? Your ballad for her?” Neil’s expression softens further as he lets out a chuckle, bringing a flush to Todd’s face. 

Neil pushes the paper further into Todd’s hands, “This is for you, it was all for you,”

Todd looks down to the neatly scribed page, full of the previous stanzas. It’s been completed with another addition, the one Neil had just finished. Todd lets a grin break out across his face, glancing back up to Neil before deciding to seize the day with his own kiss. 

\-----

_They wait, searching for a crush off-course_

_Wander, oh love, to me!_

_You set the guide and be truth bound_

_Know I am yours, lost at sea_

_In forbidden eyes pure, I rest found_

_My heart belongs to thee!_

\-----

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate those who read this very impulsive, cheesy fic. I hope you enjoyed it regardless!  
> Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions, I may turn this into a series with the other prompts


End file.
